ideals for relationships.

[In Dust and Ashes]

ok, I'll try to make this short.

This girl at work takes the liberty to spill all her personal issues with me during our break time and I don't really care to hear any of it. I don't even know the girl that well and I can't relate to anything she says because my ideals for guys, relationships and life are completely different from hers. besides, I don't think she wants to hear adivce, I think she just wants to spill.

But while she's sitting there talking for half an hour, I wonder:
are my ideals guys, relationships, and life that different from everyone elses? It seems that way. maybe I'm just in the wrong areana of people.
Not that you guys are the right areana of people (considering we've never had much in common anyway) but I'm gonna ask:

What are your *realistic* Ideals for guys and relationships? (where to meet a guy, what kind of guy, what kind of relationship etc.)

this is a topic that i know next to nothing about. I usually get a lot of doubts about my take on things and public society has a lot of pressures that make me uncomfortable. I just kind'a figured I'd be single all my life, turn into a crazy old hag with a pink mohawk, motorbike, a few dogs, and billions of interesting artifacts laying around my house. and I'd make cookies for my next door neighbor's kids and tell them whacky stories that may or may not be true.....

[Static Split Screen]

Must-have qualities:

-Intelligent
-Loving
-Affectionate
-Funny
-Attractive

I think how you meet doesn't really matter, or where you meet, except if it's a blind date it should be in a public place for obvious reasons. And I've always wanted meaningful long-distance relationships, but I realize that's not for everyone.

[Herr Lipp]

why would you want a long distance relationship? My one and only one lasted about 2 months (having gone out with teh girl previously for about 16months). Just curious, does he craig get on your tits after a few weeks?

[Jackal]

That freaks me out too, the long-distance thing-I can relate though, because seeing a person everyday might be WAY too much.:)


My ideal relationship. I want a perfect man that I never clean up after, he dresses sharp all the time, is always intelligent and tells me amazing stories of his daily inventions and travels into the past and future. We have a time machine, money, and our whole lives are the same feeling of the first few weeks of a new relationship. Our bodies quiver with mad desire just at the sight of eachother. No one else exist even. We are forever free-falling in a mass of color and weightlessness and stars.

[Cheryl K]

My two cents on long distance relationships: If you love the person, it doesn't matter if they're a thousand miles away or in the same room.

[Fab]

Do you actually mean it doesn't matter? As in, if someone gave you the choice of having said loved person in the same room or at the other side of the world you wouldn't choose because you'd be equally happy with either? Of course it matters, it's a question of how much it matters.

[Barbara]

yeah, it definitely matters...love can last through all sorts of obstacles, including ridiculously long distances...but eventually there comes a point where one person (or both) will want either to have a solid plan for getting together for good, or else they will start to wonder what the point of the relationship is if there's no forseeable way to end up together. Long distance relationships can be very meaningful, but in my experience, are increasingly painful and stressful the longer you must stay apart due to whatever circumstances.

[Jackal]

It ends up the same way with a close relationship. Doesn't every relationship make you wonder if it's worth it. Is anyone ever satisfied all the time?

[Barbara]

well, no, every relationship does come to the point where you wonder if it's worth it and if it's what will really make you happy for the rest of your life. I'm just saying in long-distance, it's different because there's so much difference between being in love and living apart, and being in love and living together. If you are long-distance and one person eventually moves and you end up living together, it's almost like the relationship is brand new again, because neither of you has experienced life together on a day-to-day basis. Then after a time of living together, you might once again come to that point where you question whether it was all worth it...I'm just saying that not many people are going to be satisfied with a long-distance relationship FOREVER...they might be willing to cope with it for years and years, but eventually, they will want to be with the one they love permanently, or they will move on because they can't live alone pining away for that kind of closeness anymore. Anyone who is in a long-distance relationship, tell me you wouldn't give anything to be with your love and have everything work out for the two of you to be together every day. I'm saying that kind of longing will tear you apart inside the more time it goes on.

[Static Split Screen]

Yeah, long-distance is hard, but it's worth it. It means that when we're together, we don't take it for granted and we don't get tired of each other. And we do plan on being together one day, it's not like Craig and I want to stay on opposite sides of the earth for the rest of our lives. And the longing to be together just makes us that more determined to actually have it happen.

[rogaine]

the only problem i have with long distance relationships is that being apart for so long can really make you believe things that aren't true. you really start to romanticize (is that a word?) the other person and make them something sometimes they're not. then when you're together, at first you feel that way, and then you see the real person. you know what i mean? not that you don't love them, but that you make them seem AMAZING and then you have to see their flaws and watch them be rude to a stranger and be there on their bad days and smell their morning breath.

having been in three major relationships now, i can say that my LDR was definitely the most messed up. 75% the guy, however. haha. i think that if i had met him in real life i never would've fallen in love with him. the internet is weird.

[Barbara]

yeah, true cat... this is what I meant by saying that when you finally get together permanently with your long-distance love, it's almost like the relationship is brand new because you're both going to have to adjut to this whole new lifestyle. No matter how much you think you know each other, talking on the phone/net every day and seeing each other during visits is way different than day-to-day life together, and a big adjustment for both people. and yeah my LDR was way messed up too, although I think it was me, more than it was him. I was really young and really needy, and really demanding, and I realize that I took the lengths he went to in order to make me happy for granted a lot, and I regret that. I dunno if we ever would have fallen in love if we had met in real life first either.

[rogaine]

well when i said it was 75% him i guess i meant it was 75% me and him not being a good couple. i was also very needy, and actually i still am kinda needy, but i've really grown up a lot since i was in that relationship. i think part of it is that i'm older but part of it is that i EXPERIENCED it and i found out what happens when you're overly needy. but he was also a very unstable person and was really really depressed and insecure and it was just not a good match for us. he's married now to someone who's like 18 or 19.. glad i got out, is all i have left to say!

oh but i'll never forget when i was visiting him for 2 weeks and we went out to a nice dinner and he left like a 13% tip.. oh my god. i was so glad i didn't live there!! lol

[Cheryl K]

Oy, I need to elaborate more.

I would never get into a long distance relationship unless I knew that it would only be temporary. I can be satisfied knowing that down the road we'll be together for good. I would be willing to wait a couple years if it meant that I would then be with someone for the rest of my life.

[Leela]

Ugh, I can't do long distance relationships. I have major trust issues because my last boyfriend didn't know what the phrase 'completely faithful' meant. meaning that if we had a fight he would immediately start looking for other girls, and sometimes even get with other girls (although he never technically cheated because we were never technically together) just because he couldn't handle the thought of being single.

[In Dust and Ashes]

these all seem pretty over the rainbow.
how realistic do you think any of these ideas are?

[Barbara]

which ideas are you referring to?

[Static Split Screen]

Shrug, I've been with Craig for 2 months 24/7 on three separate occasions, so I've gotten the feel of what it's like to live with him. Obviously it's not exactly the same, but it's not like I've just seen him for a week here or there. Honestly, long-distance relationships aren't for everyone, but I don't think people need to knock them, either. I'm content in my relationship, distance or no.

[Static Split Screen]

why would you want a long distance relationship? My one and only one lasted about 2 months (having gone out with teh girl previously for about 16months). Just curious, does he craig get on your tits after a few weeks?

That was a typo, I just meant meaningful relationship.

[rogaine]

barbara and i have just had bad experiences.. we (sorry if i'm putting words in your mouth barbara) are just bitter towards them, that's all. didn't mean to offend you. :)

[Barbara]

nah, I wasn't trying to knock them, I was just saying it's harder the longer it goes on without being able to be together...that's how I experienced it at least. Not that it can't work out. I think it definitely can. Being together and being apart again is just such an emotional roller coaster... when I was with Tiago, it was like going from the happiest time of my life when we were together, to incredible pain and lonliness when he had to go back home. It was a little bit like that every day... I would be so happy to talk with him on the phone, or get a really sweet e-mail from him, but afterward the same pain from missing him only got stronger. It's a difficult way to live, and we were "together" for four years like this (from when I was 15 till I was 19).

Still, I wouldn't say it was a bad experience...certain aspects of it were bad. Overall, I'm very glad it happened, and glad he was my first love, because I still believe sincerely that he is one of the nicest, most caring people ever to walk the earth. He's a better person than I am. He was a big influence on who I would become in the future... it sounds funny, but I feel lucky to have had what we did, even though it didn't work out.

Any bitterness I have toward long-distance relationships is more about myself and my shortcomings than it was about him.

[ramblingrose]

I've never done long-distance, I don't know if I'd be very good at it either. I found that living with someone was easier than not in a lot of ways, there was less pressure to have a good time when we were together and stuff, and I think it's easier to accomodate people's little oddities when you're living together. And you get to have sex more. Uh, I haven't a clue really :(

[Static Split Screen]

Yeah, I get what you're saying Barbara. I get incredibly lonely all the time, but not as lonely as if I didn't have him in my life at all. :)

[Leela]

barbara and i have just had bad experiences.. we (sorry if i'm putting words in your mouth barbara) are just bitter towards them, that's all. didn't mean to offend you. :)

um HELLO total bad experience over here!


god i woke up and i'm still drunk

[rogaine]

lol. aw.

[vaya con dios]

you guys should not have responded to this thread.

[In Dust and Ashes]

uh...why?

[Barbara]

BECAUSE U TOUCH URSELF AT NIGHT :smelly:






...sorry, couldn't resist :cry:

[In Dust and Ashes]

ah.

oh and to answer your question: generally all of it, but I'd have to go back and reread the thread to find specifics.

I think long distance relationships can possibly work, but they take a lot more responsibility and stength than they're probably worth.
on the other hand, my parents spent most of their dating years worlds apart from eachother and were going to get married apart, so.....
I don't know. these things are possible, but not likely. I don't htink people today have that much determination.

[Cheryl K]

I don't htink people today have that much determination.

I would think the opposite to be true because people can stay in closer contact thanks to cell phones and the Internet.

[Fab]

Well that makes it easier fer sure, but really it has no bearing on determination. If anything it makes people have less determination, because if all these modern conveniences suddenly vanished people might be a bit lost.

I love you really, Cheryl.

[Nak Nak]

Jacki sounds a little bitter too.

[Fab]

I'm not bitter, just a little.... DISAPPOOOOOOOIIIIINTED

[In Dust and Ashes]

Jacki sounds a little bitter too.

it seems the more I try to not be bitter, the more I slip into it without knowing.

[Narcissistic Nihilist]

Being together and being apart again is just such an emotional roller coaster .

Tell me about it!

In fact Im gonna call Meg right now.

[In Dust and Ashes]

I would think the opposite to be true because people can stay in closer contact thanks to cell phones and the Internet.

they don't take the place of proximity. sometimes you just need someone to sit in silence with you in the same room just so you know you're not alone. cell phones and internet don't do that.
and even moreso, it's good to have someone that interacts on more than one level with your life. instead of calling someone up every day to tell them what happened, they can be there and know and talk to your other friends so you have more of a connection.
Technology just doesn't cover it.

[Cheryl K]

they don't take the place of proximity. sometimes you just need someone to sit in silence with you in the same room just so you know you're not alone. cell phones and internet don't do that.
and even moreso, it's good to have someone that interacts on more than one level with your life. instead of calling someone up every day to tell them what happened, they can be there and know and talk to your other friends so you have more of a connection.
Technology just doesn't cover it.

True, but if you're going to be apart anyway, thank God for 21st century communication methods.

[Cheryl K]

I love you really, Cheryl.

I love you too.

[In Dust and Ashes]

True, but if you're going to be apart anyway, thank God for 21st century communication methods.

I think I actually prefer written letters. Well, at least over emails. I hate emails. you have to force me to respond to emails. but I like sending written letters and packages through mail. it's more personal and the reciever gets to see and hold something in your own handwriting and junk.
I'm doing that right now with a pen pal and I really like it. It just takes me a month or more to send the letter off because I write like 10 pages over the course of several days (or weeks).

[Jackal]

Ideals and expectations just lead to dissapointment and bitterness.

[In Dust and Ashes]

lack of ideals and expectations leads to poor decisions and possibly dangerous outcomes.

besides
havnt you already posted your ideals and expectations?

[Cheryl K]

I think I actually prefer written letters. Well, at least over emails. I hate emails. you have to force me to respond to emails. but I like sending written letters and packages through mail. it's more personal and the reciever gets to see and hold something in your own handwriting and junk.
I'm doing that right now with a pen pal and I really like it. It just takes me a month or more to send the letter off because I write like 10 pages over the course of several days (or weeks).

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that, but I couldn't wait a month or more to hear from someone I love. I don't care what method of communication is used, what's important is the message. To me, at least.

[ramblingrose]

[QUOTE=In Dust and Ashes;2156309]lack of ideals and expectations leads to poor decisions and possibly dangerous outcomes.

QUOTE]

That's true to a point, for example a good expectation to have is that you'll treat each other with respect and kindness. But often it's ideals that are the undoing of relationships. I know plenty of people who projected their ideals onto their partner, and then couldn't cope when they proved to be only human. Expectations need to be realistic otherwise they are always going to be unfulfilled. I know someone who is totally rigid about what she's looking for from a relationship, but she's not likely to ever find it, because her standards are ludicrous. She can't tolerate any man who is less than a mindreader, basically, and she doesn't want to have to make any effort.

[Jackal]

I posted a fictional account of what I want in a relationship. I want it to be perfect, that is not possible.

Ideals are fantasies to me. A set of rules made up on your head of things you would like.

Expectations are different. I expect to get these ideas because they are crucial to my happiness.

I've let the ideals fall by the wayside because they aren't important. I feel bitter that he doesn't meet some simple expectations that have come along since age 17. We had no problems we couldn't overcome, for about 12 years because we didn't have any expectations from each other. Other than the ones we've had in place since day one. (no cheating, no hitting, no slander, fair and well treatment, Ten Commandments type stuff)

If there's nothing that needs to be done then there's no problem with accepting a person for who they are. Forgiving, loving, accepting. Equality.

My brain couldn't see that this could be a problem, when a baby and house was involved. Nor how much it would matter over time. So to lay down expectations 12 years into a relationship changes them into ultimatums. To get rid of a person because they won't change to meet your ideals of what life should be like at this point is called divorce. So to prevent that you try to be the forgiving, understanding person you've always been, but it's not possible because it effects DAILY life. Time goes by...blah blah blah.

I wouldn't call anything I've done a poor decision. Why. Because I realize I'm not his ideal, nor do I live up to all his expectations either. When one person thinks they are being the correct one in a relationship all the time, they aren't seeing their own flaws or the strides the other person is actually making.

I don't lack ideals or expectations but I can't let them dictate my existance.

[kendra]

the only problem i have with long distance relationships is that being apart for so long can really make you believe things that aren't true. you really start to romanticize (is that a word?) the other person and make them something sometimes they're not. then when you're together, at first you feel that way, and then you see the real person.

see but, this didn't happen to me. everyone has all these crazy theories on why long distance sucks and there are 504309832348 reasons why it DOES but it always ticked me off when people would tell me why my life and my relationship sucked so hard...when in reality what sucked was plain and simple, that we weren't together. we didn't get all nutso about stuff in the process, we just thought it sucked that we couldn't hold hands on a regular basis. i'm pretty sure he knew what was fucked up about me and i knew what was fucked up about him and I think those things came out even more strongly BECAUSE of the distance and WHILE we were apart. if i had him or the relationship on the pedestal that did not last long at all. reality is reality!

if i had not met Will online I would not have met Will. THAT would've sucked! but we talk about it. "what if we had met in person" "well it wouldn't have happened because we are both shy/you're older/i'm younger/i'm a dweeb" "but what if we had talked" "well I would've thought, you're nice" "aww"

[kendra]

shit, why do i always look like i am yelling at cat? I am not yelling at cat, for the record. she provokes interesting thoughts and conversations, in my own little microcosm at least. just wanted to clear that up!

[Static Split Screen]

I knew kendra would understand! And you're proof long-distance does work!

[kendra]

the more you know *chime noise*

[Atomsk Iscariot]

"what if we had met in person" "well it wouldn't have happened because we are both shy/you're older/i'm younger/i'm a dweeb" "but what if we had talked" "well I would've thought, you're nice" "aww"

That is basically the cutest exchange ever.

[Jackal]

Kendra, Will, do you think moving in together was easy?

I'm not sure what I'm getting at.... since I've been talking to my best friend for 18 years, online for 2, we seem to get a better idea of how eachother are, and tell more personal things to eachother in the face-less, non-reactionary forum of the internet.

It just seems if two love-birds were writing more intimate things/personal beliefs, the relationship would advance more quickly than a face to face thing. Do you all ever feel that you know too much about eachother and there"s no new information you want or need to get?

[kendra]

This might be a crappy answer because I am currently digesting french fries, but . . . I think we're still discovering things. You can never know another person 100% and you can always work on the quality of your communication (especially face to face). I actually don't enjoy talking online w/ Will anymore, feels like old hat. I'd rather pick up a phone, even though that sucks a little too.

[Jackal]

Cool! I still learn things after all this time too. What I said was sort of stupid now that I think about it. I think a husband/lover may be the only person you could never know enough about.

That's not right either. Ok there's no one you could ever know enough about!

I meant it more like learning truths about a person, but those change too. :hide: