Agony! (aunt)

[ramblingrose]

I am old, and there are others who are wise, so I propose that in this thread I shall advise and murmur soothing words of encouragement to the tortured souls of blamo. Ask me anything, but you have to start your post with "Dear" like it's an actual letter.

[ramblingrose]

ps if it's an embarrassing problem why not just make a fake username?

[Nak Nak]

Dear Auntie Ciona,

I got my new shoes today (Merrell Chameleon 2 Wrap Slams Army Green) but I have to work and meet with my boss. This is always uncomfortable and I find it difficult to communicate with him. On the plus, he always buys lunch when we meet; on the minus, he always goes to subway and orders a club sandwich with jalepenos (spelling?) which causes his breath to stink mightily. I also don't know whether or not to go in my new shoes as they are brash, uncompromising and gore texy - everything I love about a pair of shoes. I am worried I might offend the gang of engineers there who all enjoy wearing uncomfortable leather shoes that are as stiff as their unlovingly starched white shirts. They are also all English, so I have to suppress my subconscious desire to speak down to them. Well, not truly, but it adds to the pile of uncertainties I associate with the workplace.

frankly,


Mildly Discomforted, Aberdeen

http://www.fitnessfootwear.com/product_images/lrg_MRL-R86289_90-05y.jpg

Edit: I edited a typo in a "letter" to an agony aunt, surely I am magical. Praise Baphomet.

[ramblingrose]

Dear Mildy (sic) Discomforted,

I feel that it's important to stay true to yourself in the workplace (without of course receiving your P45), so I suggest you wear your new shoes with pride. Unless, of course, they contravene the dress code of your workplace, in which case I suggest striped socks or perhaps a badge to express a little personality and lift the spirits.
One way to deal with your boss and his sandwich breath is to carry mints or gum with you, and share them with him. He will think "How nice! Craig gave me a sweet!" and you will have toned down the stench. Everybody wins! As far as communicating with him, I always find that nodding and smiling in the right places whilst thinking about something else entirely (preferably something slightly rude) provides the metaphorical spoonful of sugar we all need at the coalface.
The engineers will not be offended by your superior nationality, merely resentful and a bit jealous. As it says on the ceiling of my local pub, "Be kind! Everyone you meet is on a tough journey". It says something like that, anyway. Befriend the engineers, they might be quite nice underneath it all, or at least they might give you free stuff.

Aunty Ciona

[Jackal]

Dear Aunt Ciona,

Lately my husband has mentioned that I don't dress "slutty" enough. I'm sure he meant feminine. (He doesn't even remember saying it now) Thinking about my normal attire, I realize I could be more girl-like. Do you think he wants me to look more trophy-wife like? Instead of comfortable, plain wife-like. Is he having a mid-life crisis?

[ramblingrose]

Dear Allison

Had your husband had a beer when he said this? Refute such notions by popping on your stripper shoes every now and again. Maybe he's been reminiscing about his younger days, and is indeed having a mild mid-life crisis. I don't think he really wants a "slutty" looking wife, but perhaps you could wear some of your favourite clothes/makeup more often instead of saving them for "best"? It's nice to dress up sometimes, get him to join in by wearing a nice shirt or something. but really, as long as you're not permanently muu-muu clad, and especially since he doesn't remember saying it, I'd ignore it and dress for yourself. Are you happy with the way he dresses?

Aunty Ciona

[El Loto]

Dear Aunt,

A good friend of mine is requiring some advice regarding the opposite sex. For the person he is, he deserves a fine woman of impeccable quality yet only seems to pick up the bad apples. It must be added he never tastes the bad apples as they foolishly view him as an incompatable eater. How could he tell a Golden Delicious from a bitter, rotten entity? He deserves a fine platter of immense pallatable nourishment.

He wants a GF. What do girls want, look for etc? Conversation techniques? How to overcome nervousness?

[Philippe]

Dear Auntie Ciona,

I'm 17, reasonably ok-looking, well-endowed (sort of), and work in a up-and-coming chain shop in what could be called the "High Street" of Aberdeen. I'm having fun, and I am looking forward to the few hundred pounds I will earn by November.

However, I find myself in a dilemma. A man like me should be pounced upon by every fine woman within a 100m radius, but instead I find myself tossing off to Internet pornography procured from various sources, and to the thought of nastifying the likes of Scarlett Johansson, Emily Haines, amongst others.

In fact, it would appear that no woman that I would like to get mad-rutty with would not engage in the act, not even with a ten foot pole (though then again, such an act would not be possible, especially since I do not want my anus ruined by a metal pole). In my travels, I have seen many a fine specimen (not entirely on account of looks) commit to a relationship with complete jerkoffs, jerkwads, mingers and wankers, and so on.

This leaves me, like, well confuddled. Perhaps even quite confused. Contary to what my slightly humourous letter laden with sex references suggests, I am quite the Gentleman, and I can be well mature if the situation allows it. But it would appear to me that the previously mentioned specimens were only going out with these wankers et cetera, for the cock. Yeah, that's right.

What I would like to ask thee, Auntie Ciona, is how to play the game, so to speak. What should be done to engage the interests of a lady?

Much love to ya, yo

OMG i am so gonna kil myslef if i dont fin d a gf :(

P.S. I am on a low budget, here.

[ramblingrose]

Dear Euan,

Your friend sounds a lot like a friend of mine, who had the worst girlfriend anyone has ever had, ever, while at university (we knew her as "Helen C*nt"). This is always tricky, as while shyness can be very appealing, there is a line and if you are on the wrong side of it, you will only provoke "awwws" where you would rather provoke "ooohs".
Hmmm. Faint heart never won fair lady, there is a definite problem with this sort of fellow leaving it too late to declare romantic intentions and therefore being regarded as just-a-friend.
I would say, he should take a two-pronged approach. First, improve his conversational skills with ladies, chat to friends and friend's girlfriends to try and reduce his nervousness. He should also perhaps do a bit of light petting when under the influence of ale, then he'll be more confident putting the moves on a potential girlfriend. Introduce him to anyone you think might be a match, particularly if she's likely to take the initiative. He should look for girls as awkward as he is to approach, and he needs to gird his loins for, verily, there shall be some rejections. Along with the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain sometime. Hopefully once he gets his stabilisers off he'll feel more confident and be able to make overtures.
I would also say, if you honestly know he looks a bit of a state, help him. Get him a decent haircut, make sure he doesn't have a bumfluff moustache and help him pick subtle but stylish clothing.
Good luck! He's probably just a late bloomer, and there's nothing wrong with that. Often the boys you wouldn't look twice at when you were 18 grow up to be marriage material. True story.

Aunty Ciona

[ramblingrose]

I did that to indicate that I shall now answer le billet de Phillippe.

Dear Phil,

Much of the advice I gave to the subject of Euan's missive holds true. Make sure you are clean and presentable, and consider "practising", for example, make conversation with girls who you consider out of your league, for this will improve your chatting skills, and don't discount a bit of mild necking with high-spirited young fillies. Always remember that any potential girlfriend will appreciate being treated as an intellectual equal, but remember to flirt, or she won't think you're interested. If you get knocked back, don't take it personally, especially if she's mean about it. Keep going out and having fun with your friends, and don't concentrate on "getting a girlfriend". Eventually, you'll meet somebody you like who likes you, and things will just happen naturally. Be friendly to EVERY new person who you like, be they male or moose, for they may have a friend who'd be perfect for you. If you are actually mature for your age you may do better with girls slightly older than you, the 18-20 bracket.
And please bear in mind that it's better to have no girlfriend than a rubbish one. True story.
Good luck!

Aunty Ciona

[El Loto]

Fwanks. I need to spread rep though.

[Jackal]

Dear Allison

Had your husband had a beer when he said this? Refute such notions by popping on your stripper shoes every now and again. Maybe he's been reminiscing about his younger days, and is indeed having a mild mid-life crisis. I don't think he really wants a "slutty" looking wife, but perhaps you could wear some of your favourite clothes/makeup more often instead of saving them for "best"? It's nice to dress up sometimes, get him to join in by wearing a nice shirt or something. but really, as long as you're not permanently muu-muu clad, and especially since he doesn't remember saying it, I'd ignore it and dress for yourself. Are you happy with the way he dresses?

Aunty Ciona

Thanks! Good answer. Yip, I usually do look best on weekends when he's home. He could use a little dressing up occasionally, but he can wear whatever. Yes, he was drunk when he said that!

[rogaine]

Dear Aunty,

my friend's 21st birthday is on friday and i'm broke. all i want to know is, is it acceptable to wear 3" stillettos (they're cute i swear) with dressy capris? they're nice and i generally wear them to interviews, but i can dress them up with a nice shirt. i can't afford to buy new pants or shoes. i'm getting mixed reviews. what do you think?

-bad dresser in portland

[ramblingrose]

Dear "bad" dresser,

Of course it's acceptable! You wear whatever you like, and have a lovely time. Your friend shouldn't care what you're wearing, they should just be happy that you're there, and that's the end of it. Any trouble, send them to me!

Aunty Ciona

[rogaine]

aw, i wasn't expecting that. thanks!!

ps i tried to give you rep but it wouldn't let me :(

[Static Split Screen]

Aren't you a fellow tall person? Rock the heels!

[ramblingrose]

As a short person, I have to agree with Laura. If you're tall, make the most of it!

[Atomsk Iscariot]

Dear Auntie Ciona,

It is 4:03 in the morning over here and I am desperately trying to avoid my 6 page essay while simultaneously forcing myself to do it as its due exactly 12 hours from now and blah blah blah, I don't really have a question or a problem, but I do love that you made this thread because it's really nice and if I do think of a problem I'll be sure to post it here but at the moment I am stricken with at least five headaches at once and my blood has officially turned to caffeine so I will return to my essay now, once again.

Sincerely,
Sleep-Deprived Suburbanite

[ramblingrose]

Dear Brad,

Keep on keeping on, and I'm glad you like the thread.

Kisses

Aunty Ciona

[Jackal]

Dear Aunt Ciona,

I'm flabbergasted! There are 3 brothers with families. The Dad is visiting from another state. OK. No one informs us of the arrival time. Then we hear that there might be a gathering for dinner.

We wait all day and no one calls us. So we finally at 8 p.m. go to dinner. Then we hear that the other 2 families and Dad all went out to dinner without us.

This same thing happened last time Dad visited. We were treated nearly rude for "not wanting to visit with them". We feel it is rude to call up and invite ourselves out to dinner, and that if they wanted us there, they would call and invite us.

Do you know who's right???

[Drunkenmaster]

Dear Auntie Ciona,

I don't know what to do. I broke up with a girl 3 years ago but we have kinda been seeing each other here and there over the past 2 years or so. We were together about a year before the split. She lives 2 hours away from me and we are quite close. I often feel like I want to give it another shot with her but I don't want to commit at the same time because she is 2 hours away and I don't want to get back into that cycle of going to see her every other weekend (as she would come see me the weekends in between). There are other girls that I like that live much closer and it would also be a fresh start. The first girl, however, is just sweet as can be and probably even the marrying-type, though I have zero interest in that at this point. Please bestow upon me your juicy bits of wisdom.

Signed,

Confused in New Orleans

[ramblingrose]

Dear Allison,

You're right. They're rude.

[ramblingrose]

Dear Confused,

I think you should probably give it another go with the lovely girl, because if you still feel strongly about her you'll always wonder if it could have worked out between you, and you'll probably only compare other girls to her and find them wanting. If it doesn't work, at least you'll know you tried!

[Jackal]

Dear Allison,

You're right. They're rude.

Yay! Thank you! And they called this morning and wanted to know if we would have a BBQ for the whole family tonight. So we are...fine, whatever.:yell:

[Static Split Screen]

I hate hate family gatherings like that. Someone always ends up saying something really stupid. The last time my aunt kept grabbing me and this french lady kept talking to me in slurred french about how I should eat cheese (this was when I was vegan)

[Drunkenmaster]

Dear Confused,

I think you should probably give it another go with the lovely girl, because if you still feel strongly about her you'll always wonder if it could have worked out between you, and you'll probably only compare other girls to her and find them wanting. If it doesn't work, at least you'll know you tried!
Nah, I'm not that type. If I found someone else I liked tomorrow I'd probably forget all about it. I don't hang up on things like that.

[Leela]

Dear Auntie Ciona-

So although I've already given up on anything remotely romantic happening with my crush, I still can't seem to stop thinking about him. I even had a very happy dream with him in it last night. I think a part of the problem is I just miss talking to him, but I'm not brave enough to start a conversation with him.

How do I get up the courage to talk to him about it, or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

Thanks-
Hung Up in Champaign

[ramblingrose]

Dear Hung Up

I don't know whether you should talk to him or not, but perhaps for your own peace of mind you should at least chat with him and see how the land lies? Leave it so that he'll have to pursue you if he wishes to "make something of it", but indicate your interest in a subtle way? As for how you get up the courage to do this, have you tried having one or two drinks? No more though, you don't want to disgrace yourself!

Good luck!
Aunty Ciona xo

[brainiac]

Dear Auntie C,

Being a lover of coffee, I've made the rounds to all the local coffeehouses. At one, there's a highly cute young lady who's served me coffee twice now... I'm hunting for a way to get into a conversation and ask if she wants to meet up sometime, without a counter and an apron involved. She seems to be just as hesitant and socially awkward as I, and that's what makes me think it would be perfect to get to know her... but it's also the main obstacle! Tonight, our brief exchange went something like this:

Me: Hiya, I'd like a large soy latte, please.
Cute girl: Sure thing. (Rings it up)
Me: (looking like an ass) Oh wait. I neglected to go to the ATM first. Errr... I'll be right back.

LATER THAT DAY

Me: Okay, I'm back...
Cutie: Want that soy latte now?
Me: Hah, yeah, now that I've got the cash.
Cute one: ...How was... the ATM?
Me: Um. Fully operational.

And then we finished it off with a rushed discussion about the merits of one bank versus another. God it was awkward, but I can tell we're both the kind of technical-minded dorks who should be hanging out with each other. How can I get things going, without seeming like a loony customer/stalker?

Also, she might be a couple of years older than I am (I'm 23). Is that a turn-off? Sometimes I see evidence that women my age are mainly into older guys.

Sincerely,
Jittery at 10pm in Pittsburgh

[ramblingrose]

Dear Jittery

Why not ask her if she fancies a drink sometime? The worst case scenario is that she says no, and you have to buy your coffee somewhere else. I doubt she'd care about a small age difference, unless she's actually about 35, and even then she probably won't mind. Good luck! Tell us what happens...
Aunty Ciona xo

[The Tourist]

ew, 35. You're past it once you turn 28. :O

[ramblingrose]

shut up.

[Static Split Screen]

Cute one: ...How was... the ATM?
Me: Um. Fully operational.

Sorry but I gott a give this a hearty "d'aww"

[ramblingrose]

BUMP! I'm feeling benevolent. Tell me your problems, children of Blamo.

[Leela]

Dear Auntie Ciona-

I am currently studying abroad in Spain, and my boyfriend (well technically ex as we(he) decided to take a break) is having a really hard time with the distance. He stopped talking to me for a couple days because he found out I was coming home on the 24th of December, not the 15th.
I haven't even really looked at other guys (it's not hard, all the Spanish guys are sleazy and have mullets) and I often get in trouble for not paying attention in class because I'm daydreaming about him.
I guess my question is, what can I say to let him know that I'm thinking of him? He's having a very hard time without me around.

Longing in Bilbao

[El Loto]

All Basque men have horrible hair.

[El Loto]

Iban likes mountains and escaping doping suspensions.

http://www.euskaraz.net/Argitalpenak/Mugi/Mugi30/15/Mugi30_1502_Iban_Mayo.jpg

[Leela]

All Basque men have horrible hair.

No fucking joke. At least I'm not tempted

[El Loto]

It's part of their genetics. I was reading about that last night.

[ramblingrose]

Dear Maddie

I apologise for the late reply! However, I think your ex/whatever sounds a bit of a tool and you should try and forget him and concentrate on having fun with your fabulous self!