I miss you today, Elliott.

[ktothebbc]

I've been so tired and exhausted lately. And as a result, kind of an emotional trainwreck. Lately I'm seeing sides of myself that I don't like and that I thought were behind me. I guess nothing's ever really behind you, though, it's just not necessarily right in front of you.

And I'm missing you a lot, Elliott, because it seems like that's how you felt. And when I would hear you sing about feeling that way, it always made me feel a little better.

But lately I'm not feeling a little better. Partially because life is always getting trickier by the day (whose life isn't?), but also because I know you're not coming back. There won't be any more news. Any more songs. Any more funny stories. And that's something I can normally face, I've dealt with death and loss all my life. But for some reason, I can't really deal with yours. I guess because you've helped me so much over the years. I don't know.

But I know I miss you. And I really am trying to feel better. It's just that it's a lot harder without you around.

I hope you're smiling wherever you are.

[solveig]

:(

more than ever

[Kitty Fantastico]

:heart:

[llaurens]

:heart: :( :heart:


:grouphug:

[ParentheticalThought]

I wish we all talked about this kind of thing a little more often. When I try to avoid it it leaks out of me anyway in all sorts of ugly ways.

[space girl lost]

i do too. i always fear the "just get over it" reaction so i keep quiet.

[ParentheticalThought]

Me too. I have to go to work now, but want to PM later?

[ktothebbc]

We can always talk about this kind of thing in this forum. It's just when darker stuff gets brought up in the main forum that people get cranky.

I don't usually come to this forum, but lately, it's felt appropriate.

:\

I'm feeling a little better today, but not great. Thanks for the nice responses, guys. :heart:

[candylion]

:heart: *hug*

i've felt strange lately. i listened to 'from a basement' everday from the moment it was released until a couple of weeks ago... it felt like something inside of me snapped and i couldn't listen anymore. but i listened to a few songs this morning. i've only been able to listen to roman candle and from a basement since october. i'm not sure why...
and i definitely miss him too, although i feel like he's still floating around...

[Kitty Fantastico]

You know how life can suck sometimes?
Well, no matter what was going on, I felt great comfort knowing that there was an Elliott Smith in the world. I felt that all could be right or at least bearable just so long as there was that.
I'm grateful for the time we had with him and what he shared but I can't help but to want more.
So yeah, I miss him too. </3

[Anjy]

Strange Candy, I listened to Roman Candle all day yesterday in the car.

Today Cherish was listening to the studio version of Ben Fold's "Late" and I just had to leave, I'm not ready for that yet.

I have to leave in a little bit to go play in a pub and couldn't handle the emotional drain right now, you know?

I still have dreams sometimes too. I think I'll never entirely get over all of us losing you Elliott. :(

[ParentheticalThought]

Originally posted by ktothebbc
We can always talk about this kind of thing in this forum. It's just when darker stuff gets brought up in the main forum that people get cranky.

I don't usually come to this forum...


Yes, that's exactly it. There's so little movement in this forum, most of the time, venting is tantamount to spitting into the wind. It feels lonelier than shutting up.

I'm not trying to find particular fault with anyone. Sorry if it seems like it.

[nikita]

I just got four Elliott shows on DVD... the first one is from June 2003... the one with the "man the tool user" joke :)


It's just so... sad :(


I wanted to say more... but I just don't know what to say.


Elliott :heart:

[kupo]

I don't think there's a day that goes by where I don't think about Elliott and wish that he would've gotten better or that someone, as unrealistic as it sounds, could've intervened. I'm not talking about god either.

[kupo]

The picture at the top of this thread breaks my heart:(

[Needs Wasabi]

Mine too. :cry:

We just need to remember that Elliott is in a better place now. It still hurts though. :(

[ParentheticalThought]

Originally posted by kupo
I don't think there's a day that goes by where I don't think about Elliott and wish that he would've gotten better or that someone, as unrealistic as it sounds, could've intervened. I'm not talking about god either.

Me too. I keep wondering when the day will come when my heart stops breaking every time I think of him (Geez, what a way to keep thinking of someone!) but that day hasn't come yet.

And I have to admit, along with feeling sorrow over what he didn't have and what he missed out on, I'm also, irrationally, really angry at him. Just about the only things in his life that actually worked for him were his sharp mind and his ability to create and play music, and he destroyed them! Twice!

[esfan777]

It's really hard sometimes facing the truth, I sometimes hate knowing that he's not around. I feel him in my art sometimes, it's like he's filling my head with good ideas and giving me inspiration at the same time. I feel good knowing that we can all sympathize and understand what we all going through. I think of elliott everyday, my husband thinks I'm crazy but I don't let it get to me,because I know the only people who would understand would be some of you guys and elliott. But I also want to say everyone as hard as it is try to stay positive about elliott's passing and hope that we will someday see him again.

[Toto]

I like what I'm seeing in this forum at the moment. The other one is becoming so negative. I found a lot of the threads informative and entertaining, but once in a while, some jerk will post stuff about what's 'cool' or not and its really annoying. I thought i left that behind in high school.

Anyways, thanks for starting this thread (Kevin right?), I miss Elliott a lot too. I think about him as a person and his music 24hrs a day. Everytime I play one of his songs, images come to my head of what might have been going through his head when he wrote them. I hope he is ok wherever he is.

[XcolleenO]

i miss him

it really helps me to know that other people are missing him just as much. im thankful to have had him, and for his wonderful gift to us. but it hurts so bad knowing how great his gift was and to know its forever gone.

frustrated fireworks inside your head...........................i feel them too, Elliott

[frankenweeny]

.........i know what you mean kevin about seeing unwelcome old sides reappearing...........

....... :ok: ..........

........ i'm guilty of mocking myself with the question of how can you miss someone so much, that you never knew...........

......but then i guess the best feelings can defy the intellect...........

....i guess........

......i don't know,..............

....... :heart: 's to you.............hope you're feeling better.......

[space girl lost]

i'm glad to be reading this from others. i'm also glad that someone else mentioned a significant other in relation to the "missing elliott" feeling. i'm afraid my bf would probably think i'm totally crazy if he knew how much it bothers me and how much i still think about it. i suppose that is half of what i meant when i wrote the "just get over it" bit above. i don't know anyone who was clearly in love with his music offline so i'm always afraid to say what i'm thinking if i just happen to be thinking about him being gone and i appear down and am asked. i just generally write it off as something else.

[frankenweeny]

Originally posted by space girl lost
i just generally write it off as something else.

......the fine art of deflection.......... :yes: ........

[space girl lost]

hah. yeah, well if it works, y'know...? otherwise i end up spilling too much emotion out and people get scared.

[pointyjess]

Elliott was kind of a light at the end of the tunnel for me.
There was a communion in the things he expressed in his music.
I could look at him as an example, as someone who'd been down the same kind of path and who was still keeping on and making it into something beautiful.
And, I'm sure you know and understand what that means for me to not have that light there anymore.
So, I'm there with you, with all of you.
Maybe we could be eachother's lights?

[space girl lost]

Originally posted by POINTY!
Maybe we could be eachother's lights?

that's sort of how it is for me in a way. knowing other people are out there who feel the same way comforts me a little. even if i don't really know them that well.

[ParentheticalThought]

Originally posted by POINTY!
Elliott was kind of a light at the end of the tunnel for me.
There was a communion in the things he expressed in his music.
I could look at him as an example, as someone who'd been down the same kind of path and who was still keeping on and making it into something beautiful.
And, I'm sure you know and understand what that means for me to not have that light there anymore.
So, I'm there with you, with all of you.
Maybe we could be eachother's lights?

Maybe collectively we can do a brighter job than Elliott could. I don't mean to be disparaging at all, but Elliott couldn't keep his own tunnel lit, and I try to remind myself of that when I get in too deep - that I should only follow his path so far. Perhaps there's more safety and energy in numbers.

[_sean_]

I watched Luckey Three and Strange Parallel last night. I can't really explain how I felt, but I do know that it hurt. Throughout my life I never been an absolute believer in anything, other than you. Your music has altered my life, and I am forever in your debt.

Sean

[indicamuse]

Originally posted by space girl lost
i'm glad to be reading this from others. i'm also glad that someone else mentioned a significant other in relation to the "missing elliott" feeling. i'm afraid my bf would probably think i'm totally crazy if he knew how much it bothers me and how much i still think about it.

My SO thinks it's odd for me to mourn the loss of someone I didn't even know. That's ok, tho. I won't apologise for missing Elliott. And miss him, I do.:(

[ParentheticalThought]

I've been feeling better about it lately, which makes me feel like I'm losing him all over again, which makes me feel worse. If that makes any sense.

[Sunshine Sounds]

i miss elliott enormously and i just think i need to accept that the sickening feeling in my stomach followed by panic and finally despair will never go away . . . because Elliott is gone . . . forever.

it seems that you all go through the same rollercoaster of hopelessness and even anger on a daily basis . . . thanks for posting everyone. i’m extremely grateful to be able to come to this site and not feel that i’m a freak. i realise now that i don’t need to snap out of it or feel silly about how i feel.

i think elliott’s music is still the best consolation (as much as the cause of pain) and i think i need a humongous dose of it right now.

[ParentheticalThought]

Originally posted by Sunshine Sounds
i miss elliott enormously and i just think i need to accept that the sickening feeling in my stomach followed by panic and finally despair will never go away . . . because Elliott is gone . . . forever.

it seems that you all go through the same rollercoaster of hopelessness and even anger on a daily basis . . . thanks for posting everyone. i’m extremely grateful to be able to come to this site and not feel that i’m a freak. i realise now that i don’t need to snap out of it or feel silly about how i feel.

i think elliott’s music is still the best consolation (as much as the cause of pain) and i think i need a humongous dose of it right now.

:yes: :yes: Every time I think I might be climbing out of it, I whack myself in the head with the realization that no matter how I rationalize it, he's still dead. And then I listen to more Elliott and start the whole chain all over again. But who wouldn't want to listen to more Elliott? I know that sickening feeling well.

[hmforney]

:(

Its so hard even to express this loss in words.

I can relate to what some of you are saying, I dont really let others know how much his death bothers me, I'm sure if I did they would think I'm crazy... :rolleyes:

I keep telling myself that it's been a year and a half! I feel like I should be over this now, but I'm not. Part of me does not know how to mourn him; how to let go. Part of me doesn't want to.

Another strange thing... it's hard for me to comprehend that he's dead. I keep thinking, with all of the medical technology that we have, and with all that we know about depression, why couldn't anyone have saved Elliott?

I miss you so much.

[floatingdown]

i'm so glad to see this post...as for some reason, its been hitting me hard again lately too.

:(

[ParentheticalThought]

Today it's officially a year and a half. Somehow it seems more recent than it did at a year to me because a year is the end of "recently" but a year and a half is just the beginning of "a long time ago". Either way, he's gone and he's not coming back.

[Summergirllv]

*sigh*

Just when I finally start to feel okay about it, I think... what would I do right now, if I could do anything.... the answer is always, take a road trip in a convertible with a good friend to an Elliott show.

I miss you today Elliott, I miss you everyday.

[Somebody'sBaby]

me too. But in a different way....one that lets me smile thinking about him now :love: :love:

[meepmeep]

I had a dream about him last night. I was walking out of a club & he was working with some gear. I introduced myself we both kind of sheepishly talked about mutual friends. I told him I loved his music. He was very friendly, in a shy way. Miss him.

[angel in the snow]

i miss him too, so much. And i've had dreams about meeting him also, i think that is one's subconscience missing him. I never knew him, although it feels like i know his soul and he knows mine, and someone said ealier just knowing he was in this world was enough and i totally agree.

I'm crying now just thinking about it. I'm glad he got his peaceful ending, but........well i don't know, it's just so upsetting, and when i talk about him i get all choked up, so i try not to mention him in my day to day conversations, 'cos no one gets it. And then i accidently mention him, and get thrown into, well, this abyss of emotions. People think i'm crazy, put i know he got it...........Georgia.

p.s. i wear a ring on my left hand, and i have "Don't you know that i love you" (from:Angel in the snow) engraved into it. The ring was $2 and i took it to a jewelers to get it engraved,which was crazy, but it's my tribute to him. He's always on my mind.:( :(

[candylion]

i feel incredibly sad to know that someone has a handwritten set list of yours with your detox schedule on the back... and they're trying to sell it on ebay starting at $999.00. i just can't understand! it's so disrespectful on so many levels! i'd like to think that maybe you'd laugh it off... the absurdity of it all... it just makes me want to yell and cry... :(

[Brilliant Sun]

***

[eternal girl]

poor angel in the snow, and many others..including me..a sad thirty eight year old, even I, am so affected, am so touched by Elliott..feel like I am close to him..maybe we all are you know, maybe everyone, and anyone..who ever felt too much,, who ever found it so hard to be ok..I know I did..and do.. tearstreamed face, comforted by his sweet songs..his love so humble,unassuming,,reaches us allxxxx

[space girl lost]

:cry:

[angel in the snow]

first off, thanks for understanding Eternal Girl, i feel the same way and always will.

and also, about wierd Elliott dreams what does anyone make of this?:

during this inbetween sleep and wakeness - i had a wierd dream. it was so clear:

i was in a random house and i saw this guy in the corner. it was Elliott, standing up and looking right at me but not saying a word. we just looked at each other and then i left. his gaze was intense and really sad. then later, like maybe months later, i was invited to a friend's for dinner. i went and it was that house, but he was no longer in the corner, instead a fireplace was, it was a huge stone fireplace. but i still felt his intense glare. so i ran to the fireplace and started going crazy trying to get through the stones. finally after a lot of struggle i did and there he was, Elliott,just as i left him - a beautiful sad man looking right at me with this wierd look of sad, loving appreciation. anyway just needed to tell someone - anyone.
.......Angel in the Snow

p.s. if you have any input on what this is about, tell me. i have my own opinion, but could use some others. thanks.

[tasha]

Elliott dreams come in flurries around the full moon...

happy full moon today Elliott :love:

hope to see you again soon :love:


to angel in the snow and eternal girl - i can't say for sure why we have these dreams but i believe it's because he connects to us and helps us see what we need to see...which is sometimes incredibly sad and sometimes incredibly sweet...always humbling...

[HoneyMuse]

im glad im not alone in my feelings of missing him so much..

ive posted on here i lost my partner to depression/suicid/penacide 6months after elliott and his songs speak volumes more to me now then they even did before and i cried for months after he died... then my partner.. and i just miss them both so much...

all those pretty songs so full of pain with this un-nerving ability to touch me so deeply...

i love you elliott

take care ktothebbc you sound like a kind person be good to you... you deserve it

rob

[angel in the snow]

oh, rob,
i'm sooooo sorry about the death of your partner. god that must have been horrible.
we all miss Elliott, but to go through both such heartrending events in about six months.
*puts on "see you later" for rob and gets a box of tissues for me*

i'm so sorry, feel free to pm me.

.........Angel in the Snow

p.s. you really have me crying

[ktothebbc]

Thanks for coming here to post, everyone.

I haven't looked at this thread in months - it's reassuring to know it's still alive and that others are taking some comfort in it. Thanks to everyone who wrote such nice comments.

Life has gotten much more manageable lately, which isn't to say it's perfect by a long shot, but it's not as helter skelter as it was when I originally posted this thread.

Thanks for stopping by.

[HoneyMuse]

hiya... i made an angel in the snow last winter arnold (my partner then) never saw one.. hehe :) those are the good memories :)

im soo sorry didn't mean to upset ya.. i just needed to vent some heavy sadness to elliott on here where i was sure he would see it or something strange like that.

your so kind to feel so much for me i appreciate it maybe thats why today wasn't as tough as it could have been spreading ashes.. cause your tears gave me less to have to shed.

big hugs and take care
rob

[angel in the snow]

honey muse,

i'm so glad it is getting a little easier. :(

vent all you want and don't be sorry.
seriously if you want to pm me, go ahead.

you are so nice and no one deserves so
much pain or saddness in their life.

i hope things continue to get better,
even if little by little.


best wishes, xo............Angel in the Snow

[candylion]

Originally posted by Summergirllv
*sigh*

Just when I finally start to feel okay about it, I think... what would I do right now, if I could do anything.... the answer is always, take a road trip in a convertible with a good friend to an Elliott show.

I miss you today Elliott, I miss you everyday.



:(


i really thought i was feeling better about everthing...

i was reading the front page of sweetadeline and saw that there is a new fansite where you can download shows. i went to check it out... and there i found the show that i've been looking for... i drove over three hours to see elliott play on 5/13/00 in philadelphia... i just downloaded the show and broke down. that's the day that elliott walked by me and looked in my eyes... and shortly after that we ended up at the same restaurant. chinatown in philadelphia is magical to me because of these experiences. the year before he died, i visited chinatown again and stood on the corner of 10th and arch where our encounter took place... i told me friends "this is the spot where i looked into elliott smith's eyes... this place is magic to me"

:(


i miss you elliott!!!

[Brilliant Sun]

:heart:

http://www.mwolson.org/static/albums/backgrounds/ElliottSmithFerdinand_Lg.jpg

[fake concerns]

I love that wallpaper. :(

[The Crippled Silence]

Last night was the first time I'd cried about Elliott in a really long time. It came out of nowhere. I just started humming a song (I think it was Pretty (Ugly Before) ) and then I just started crying. It really hit me. . . .

[ParentheticalThought]

Originally posted by The Crippled Silence
Last night was the first time I'd cried about Elliott in a really long time. It came out of nowhere. I just started humming a song (I think it was Pretty (Ugly Before) ) and then I just started crying. It really hit me. . . .

I wish I could cry. I haven't since December. It always creeps up on me when I'm at work or something, so I tie a knot in it until later, and then later I'm just full of knots.

[angel in the snow]

Originally posted by ParentheticalThought
I wish I could cry. I haven't since December. It always creeps up on me when I'm at work or something, so I tie a knot in it until later, and then later I'm just full of knots.

when you do cry, can i catch them in a cup.....:)

adn i cryed today cos i got a package from the
trash teasury....then i started singing and
crying and getting all choked up.......:(

[Needs Wasabi]

I thought I was going to break down in the doctor's office today. I was in the waiting room reading a magazine and it had a Ben Folds interview in it and he was talking about Elliott's death. I really thought that I was going to have to go the bathroom and cry my eyes out.

:cry:

I miss him so much here lately.

[Brilliant Sun]

to the rain, the sunlight,
the traffic, the nights and the days of the
years, the faces.
leaving this will be easier than living
it, typing one more line now as
a man plays a piano through the radio,
the best writers have said very
little
and the worst,
far too much.

Charles Bukowski, 1992

[angel in the snow]

great, Brilliant Sun, now i'm crying, but their
is no gorgeous soulmate to get me a cup.....

*cries more*

:(

[angel in the snow]

so last night after i said good night and signed off
i was getting hungry (damn diet thread)
so i went to get the ice cream......
it was like a fudge twirl, and the fudge
swirls made a figure eight
i smiled and tears welled up....

it was like a little tiny ELliott on little
tiny ice skates had been skating in my ice cream
i might be delusional, but i thought it was beautiful.......:) :( :)

[Mister Grieves]

Y'know, when I first heard the news, I was just in disbelief. I didn't cry because it seemed like it was too emotional. But tonight, for some reason.. just looking at pictures of him and listening to the alternative version of "Pretty Mary K" (from the Either/Or sessions), I let it all out, finally. It feels good, to finally let out all the emotion I had kept inside. And maybe it's my insecurity at the moment from other events in my life, but I'm crying like a baby now. I miss him today more than ever. But as long as I have one song on a CD, or as long as I remember how to play one song on guitar, he'll live on.

[candylion]

i wish elliott could have seen jonathan richman play tonight. i wonder if he liked his music and/or ever saw him in concert. i thought of elliott... he stood on that same stage before. i had the pleasure of seeing him standing on it once.

jonathan richman has the right mix of joy, silliness and longing in his music. it made me really wish that elliott could have lived to be in his 50s like jonathan... enjoying life and really playing and practicing at living. you just get the sense that jonathan is in love with being alive and marvels at every scent and sight and sound and tries to find a way to capture it in a sweet little song.

i wish elliott could have felt that joy. i'm sure he did at times. i have no idea.

i miss you elliott and hope you are well...

[Needs Wasabi]

I was up until 5am Thursday night listening to Elliott and crying. This was the first time that I have really let it out in the last three or four months. I really have been missing him this week.

[olive]

I don't know how to say that i am missing Elliott so much today. The Ted Leo story was posted again recently, and that just chokes me up...how elliott bought him a soda...i never have really posted much here, but i come here nearly every day because this seems to be the only place...i don't have anybody i can really talk to about elliott. at least not face to face. it seems like a lot of people here feel this same way, and i am so glad that sweet addy exists, even if i just lurk around. i guess thats all i have to say about that right now...

:heart:

[nikita]

:heart:

http://images.jambase.com/bands/elliotsmith/elliott.jpg

[ladynobody]

Sorry to speak french but I need to explain my self in french about that...hope someone will understand here, and maybe reply or understand the way I feel...this week was so hard for me, I think of elliott each day, and listen his music and I can't stop crying. I miss him like someone else miss a friend or a family member. Et ma souffrance est terrible lorsque je pense que tout s'est arrèté là, qu'il n'y aura plus jamais d'autres chansons d'elliott!!!

J'ai "connu" Elliott dans une période de ma vie particulièrement difficile... je pensais mourir et j'ai passé des années de souffrances et de solitudes. Les chansons d'Elliott ont été pour moi un réconfort, un "ami" dans la maladie me faisant sentir moins seule et moins incomprise.

Puis je me suis mise à m'attacher à lui, à ses mots, sa vie, sa personnalité, son histoire...surtout à son mal être et son mal de vivre que j'ai eu l'impression de vivre avec lui, ou lui avec moi peu importe.

Beaucoup d'entre nous avons ressentis surement la même chose, la meme "connection" émotive avec Elliott...c'est très dur d'accepter sa mort!

I miss you each day Elliott! Tu es parti trop vite! :heart:

[Somebody'sBaby]

me too :heart:

[armada]

elliott, you just came on my itunes here at work, and i had to turn you off immediately. i'm so sorry, but i can't listen to you right now. you take so much out of me, elliott, you take it all out of me, i can't just hear you in the background, you shoot through my ears into my brain and my heart and all over, it just can't be done, it hurts too much it hurts too much it hurts

:(

[angel in the snow]

he made me break down last night
when i heard Talking to Mary
for the first time...that is what
my daddy calls me......:(

[angel in the snow]

Dammit, Elliott, i'm really missing you now
it makes me so sad that it's your birthday,
and we'll all celebrate you in different ways
but you won't be there....:(
i want to get a tattoo tomorrow, but i'm not yet 18
and the parents would neverr go for it....
so maybe on your 38th birthday....

[Ella Megalast]

Thank you for sharing your beautiful music with the world--it tis a brave, brave thing to do and we will always admire you for that!

xo

[anneofthekrisspecial]

it gets worse and worse





i miss you so much