A question for all living outside the states

[Osceana]

So i was speaking with a friend who lives in Sweden a while back and we were talking about how Americans seem so disconnected from one another. This is a problem i have a lot, and something i notice almost on a daily basis, so i wanted to know other people's opinions on this.

He was noticing how people would say they'd call him and never would- how it's almost like a way of saying "goodbye" to someone here in the states. Or they'll talk about "Yeah, we should totally hang out!" yet you never hear from that person again. It's rather frustrating. He was saying that in Sweden it's very hard to make friends at first, but once you have them they are very loyal and they generally don't flake out on you entirely. I completely agree with him, because i feel that it's almost the exact opposite here in the states: it's really easy to make friends here, but to actually hang out with them, to actually find real, true friends is a difficult task- someone is always being flaky or just cutting you a cheap formality.

So tell me, do you find that people are generally flaky like this in your area? On the one hand i find it hard to believe that it's entirely localized to this country (and perhaps a few others) but then on the other hand the socioeconomic climate here would sort of explain that. I think that once you reach a certain point in capitalism it's probably very easy to take everything for granted, including people.

[i]

I don't know, I'm generally quiet when I first meet people so if they are inherently flaky I'll never really progress to much of a relationship with them anyway. I think I tend to make closer friends when I do make friends, because of that.

In the context of capitalism, I do find in this country that a lot of business-types are extremely flaky. I consider myself fortunate in that I have made real friends at my workplace. Because the company that actually pays my salary is full of business-types who like to crap on a lot, and give lots of fake smiles... types whose salaries are paid for by the money we make for them. That could be a government contracts/DC metro kinda thing tho.

[Kinbote]

I suspect people often confuse the American lack of formality/pretense with an American friendliness.

[Kelly Kapowski]

i don't like having friends so i don't know how i feel about this. I think i am more the flaky person who says "let's hang out sometime" to not seem rude, because chances are i don't want to. Nothing personal, usually, I just don't like having more than 3 friends.

I would like to have maybe 5 really, really close friends if they were AWESOME, but i haven't found 5 really awesome people and it annoys me sometimes.

[rogaine]

i live IN the states so i guess i shouldnt' be replying to this, but..

it's easy to make friends here, but a lot of them do end up being flaky. but i think, depending on your personality, it's better to make tons of friends and keep the ones you love than to meet a few people here and there and then some of them being good friends. i love having a few pepole that i can call when i'm bored but dno't have to worry if they'll be butthurt if i never call them.

[i]

The irony is that I get along with people really easily, and it makes ME look like an asshole when they start asking me to "hang out and have some beers" because I can't think of anything more inane than sitting around drinking fucking booze. Seriously, just reading people on Blamo talk about going to see bands and hanging out in bars makes me want to punch myself in the face.

I wasn't a huge bar person til I started drinking.

i love having a few pepole that i can call when i'm bored but dno't have to worry if they'll be butthurt if i never call them.

I never call anyone anyway. I hate telephones. Headphones on the other hand...

http://www.headphone.com/images/10best.jpg

[Static Split Screen]

I'm such a flaky friend. I don't mean to be, I just either forget, or am too afraid to call someone. :\

[Chopstick]

I definitely have my fair share of friends who act like they like me more than I like them. They're the ones I'm flaky to. I suppose if our culture was different, we wouldn't bother so much.

But in defense of The American Way, I do appreciate that our idea of "formalities" are actions normally reserved for friends. Even if I know that every smile and handshake doesn't mean that we have a great relationship (or any relationship), I still enjoy it. I like that.

I know that's kindof separate from the original topic, so I'll just stop.

[lisa]

canada is the same.. except i wouldnt even say its that easy to make friends in the first place.. or maybe i just realize right away that its all very phoney. rather than thinking for a second that its gonna be a real deep compatible friendship every time i have a few nice conversations with a coworker or classmate.

i do flake out a lot on my few good friends though, mostly because im a homebody and maybe kinda lazy when it comes to getting dressed, getting on the subway/streetcar etc to meet up with them... and i loathe calling people :/

[kendra]

I'm such a flaky friend. I don't mean to be, I just either forget, or am too afraid to call someone. :\

The too afraid part is huge for me - I have such social phobia about the fucking phone. There are a few people I don't mind just talking to on the phone - my best friend, namely - but then I have a few other people I get along with REALLY well...but I never talk to them unless we get together in the flesh. Problem is, it's hard to do that if you don't call them!

[Chopstick]

That's why text messaging is glorious.

For me, the phone is mostly a tool for coordinating social events. There are very few people I actually call just to chat. Working in enough offices combined with being a flight commander pretty much freed me from any trepidation about calling people. That and I have a good phone voice... I've heard.




Don't you hate it when you admit to having some problem and then some asshole gloats about not having that problem? Fuckers...

[kendra]

Nah it's okay, I think it's lame that I hate the phone so much.

[Dovecoat]

I live in the States. I don't have many friends. Most of the friends I have I've been close friends with for years and years. Though we're generally honest with each other. Phone calls are often ended with "eh... I'll call you again eventually". I'm a homebody, and they all know that. Most of them are, too.

I think it depends on the friends you pick.

[Osceana]

I'm really surprised by the response. So i guess i'm just in the overwhelming minority here: a person who isn't flaky.

Flakiness is by far the thing that pisses me off most, i think. I mean, to me, it's one thing if you don't call, but to make plans and then just bail because you rather stay at home and stare at the wall is....i'm getting pissed just thinking about it, actually.

One of my best friends does that exact thing. I just recently spoke with him and he said he's been doing nothing but sitting alone in his recording studio for the past two months. Yet every time we hang out he complains about how lonely he is and how he needs to get out more. What the fuck?

I really think that cell phones, email, text messages, IM, all that shit- technology in general, is diminishing the amount of time we have for one another. I was just speaking with someone about that today actually. You always think, "Oh, i'll just text that person later. Oh, i'll call them later. Oh, i'll do it on my way to work...." It's like, the more time we create for ourselves, the less we have of it- it's all become consolidated. You don't necessarily feel the need to call someone you haven't spoken with in a while because you know you can just call them whenever you want.

I don't know.... Don't get me wrong, i use technology like most other people, i'm not blaming that entirely. I shirk my correspondence with a few people from time to time, but i don't just drop off the face of the Earth completely like most people (here) seem to. I think that's something else. I just don't get why though.

I'm a homebody myself but i have to see people. Seems to me though that if you weren't really that interested in hanging out with someone you just wouldn't give them the oppression that things were otherwise, you know? Like, say, if you are a homebody, then you only have two friends, but you don't go to parties and say, "Hey, here's my number, call me so we can hang out." Right?

I don't know. I don't get it. Though, i think the fact that most of the people that have posted here are Americans says something (i think only two or three who live outside of the U.S. have posted, am i right?).

[eme]

I live in Puerto Rico, but that really doesn't count as living outside the states...

Flakiness is by far the thing that pisses me off most, i think. I mean, to me, it's one thing if you don't call, but to make plans and then just bail because you rather stay at home and stare at the wall is....i'm getting pissed just thinking about it, actually.

One of my best friends does that exact thing. I just recently spoke with him and he said he's been doing nothing but sitting alone in his recording studio for the past two months. Yet every time we hang out he complains about how lonely he is and how he needs to get out more. What the fuck?

Sadly I'm just like that sometimes. I used to be like that all the time until lately. But I guess I'm like that because I'm surrounded by friends who usually back off at the last minute. We're the kind of people who need to make plans for the night on the very same day out of the blue. Otherwise, people go off on a tangent and by the time you remind them of the activity, they've totally forgotten it.


I really think that cell phones, email, text messages, IM, all that shit- technology in general, is diminishing the amount of time we have for one another....

I think it's more of an excuse to ignore people most of the time. By saying "I'll call them later" you give yourself an excuse to forget all about it and ignore other people. I will say that communicating through the internet takes away from the whole actual physical interaction thing.

I'm a homebody myself but i have to see people. Seems to me though that if you weren't really that interested in hanging out with someone you just wouldn't give them the oppression that things were otherwise, you know? Like, say, if you are a homebody, then you only have two friends, but you don't go to parties and say, "Hey, here's my number, call me so we can hang out." Right?

I dunno, people like to act like they're the busiest most interesting people in the world...

[DrHibbert]

I'm bad with phones as well. I'm not afraid to call people, or to answer calls. But the minute a phone conversation starts going nowhere, I end the conversation. I think sometimes people get their feelings hurt, like they want to sit there on the phone and have long pauses and stuff like a normal conversation. I can't do this, I get antsy.

It's funny, in person I don't have this problem. I can chill with people and we don't have to say anything, totally fine. But not on the phone.

I don't know if that's relevant. What may BE relevant, is that every time I read your posts, Osceana, I don't read them at all, I just oggle Scarlett for a bit and move on to the next post. How American of me.

[Osceana]

I'm bad with phones as well. I'm not afraid to call people, or to answer calls. But the minute a phone conversation starts going nowhere, I end the conversation. I think sometimes people get their feelings hurt, like they want to sit there on the phone and have long pauses and stuff like a normal conversation. I can't do this, I get antsy.

It's funny, in person I don't have this problem. I can chill with people and we don't have to say anything, totally fine. But not on the phone.

I don't know if that's relevant. What may BE relevant, is that every time I read your posts, Osceana, I don't read them at all, I just oggle Scarlett for a bit and move on to the next post. How American of me.

Haha, i can't say i blame you. She is a rather nice distraction, hehe.

I hear you though. I was dating this girl for a while that would do exactly that: she'd call me and have nothing to say. I actually like having phone conversations with people, but if once the pauses start kicking in, once you're IMing someone while you're on the phone with me or watching television and saying nothing i gotta go.

[DrHibbert]

I'm sorry, did you say something?